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To My Son On Your First Birthday

Alisha Bourke

As I cradle you in my arms and stare at your sleepy face I realise you are not a baby anymore. It's so hard to believe the year that's just flown by in a flash. It feels like yesterday I was cuddling you for the very first time. Your birth was magical, beautiful and momentous and I hope I always remember that bliss bubble we all lived in.

Since the day we welcomed you into the world we have been so blessed, you have been a bursting ray of sunshine in all our lives. As you've learnt to smile, laugh, and now give us kisses our hearts have expanded with the love and light you exude. Your cheeky nature makes us laugh and your sisters are absolutely smitten by you.​

I wish I could have captured every moment of your existence to date. I’m sorry that I haven’t taken a million photos, videos or kept records of all your momentous milestones. I hope that I have made up for this in the way I have made you feel. I hope my son you have felt loved, safe and happy for all the days we have shared.

This past year there have been tears, so many tears not just from you, but for me too. There were days I thought I wasn't cut out for this mum gig. I’ve felt overwhelmed when I couldn’t settle you, get you to sleep or comfort you when you were in pain. I’ve questioned everything about myself, my strength and trying to be everything you needed me to be.​

You have renewed my faith in myself, in the moments I thought I could not get any more sleep-deprived, you'd fight sleep more. You pushed me to my core, forced me to dig deep to find the strength I needed to get through those passing moments and days. Your sweet little smile in moments of heartache got me through more days than you could possibly imagine. Your love for me always shining through. As if almost encouraging me and cheering me on in a secret language that only the two of us share. 

 

Before we know it you'll be off and running, getting into everything and tormenting your big sisters. There will come a time soon when you won't need to be nursed to sleep or want Mumma cuddles, so perhaps I’ve become a little more attached then necessary. I’ve let you sleep in my arms for hours at a time breathing in your sweet baby breath and staring at your handsome little face. We’ve co-slept for so many more hours than you’ve spent in your own bed and I have worn you in so many types of baby carriers and wraps, keeping you close. These things have probably benefited me more than you and they will be some of the moments I cherish always.

Loving, nurturing, growing and raising children will always be my life’s greatest work. Our family is an ensemble of love and support. Each of our spirits unique and magical in our own ways. We all play our different parts, and alone we are incomplete. I've felt guilty at times for making you a priority and neglecting your sisters and daddy, so to them I apologise. However, I know they love you just as much as I do and they know how important your first year of life and development was. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and my Boy we are your village, your soul, connection, safe place and home.

It has been so hard at times, as we are both learning and growing but you have brought so much love and joy to my life after such darkness. I'm not sure you will ever truly know what an honour and a privilege it is to be your mummy. So thank you, my Son, for choosing me to be your Mumma. My world is a better place with you in it. You filled a space in my heart that I never knew was empty until you came along.

Happy First Birthday my littlest Love. I love you so much, more than you will ever know and can't wait to spend countless birthdays with you, watching you grow into a boy, teenager and man! I hope that you will always look at me and love me the way you do today because my love for you is infinite and to me, you'll always be my beautiful little boy.

My Love Always, Mumma xx


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